I was only 9 when my period started. I freaked out. I didn't know what was happening to me. I couldn't ask my mother. We never talked of such things.
-Senata, Fijian girl in New Zealand
Talking to your child before puberty about the upcoming physical and emotional changes is very important. Use the techniques and tips in the Ask me anything section to help. It is more difficult if you have been taught that talking about sexual issues is taboo in your culture. You face a dilemma deciding whether or not you break this taboo. We think you should consider your child's interests first. By talking you can reduce the risk of them feeling alone and anxious like Senata with her first period.
Reassure your child that puberty can begin as early as 8 or as late as 15 or older. This will offset any anxiety if they don't start at the same age as their friends and classmates.
Donna's 16-year-old daughter Lisa has always been small for her age. Lisa has a huge appetite but never seems to put on weight. At the age her friends had started puberty her mother talked to her about how lucky she was that her period wouldn't start until she was much older than her friends. Lisa says she is pleased that she is free of those worries but Donna can't help but wonder how she really feels about being different from her girlfriends.
It can also be difficult for those girls who develop earlier than their peers.
Theresa started her period when she was 10 years old, about one year before her friends. She didn't admit to the others that she had started menstruating until some of them had started too.
Children need lots of reassurance that their development is normal. Here is a typical example:
Nathan (12 years) was concerned that he was developing breasts. His father Elias had noticed this, and had called a medical friend, who assured him that one in ten boys get some breast development at puberty, which settles down later. Elias was able to reassure Nathan that this was a normal occurrence.
Don't ignore concerns that appear trivial, and treat all concerns with confidentiality.
Kelly (11 years) told her mother Catherine she was worried that one of her breasts was getting bigger than the other. Catherine brought up the subject with some of her women friends at work during morning coffee, and she was relieved to hear that a number of them had the same experience during puberty. When Catherine told Kelly this later, she was surprised that Kelly was upset that she had discussed her concern with others.
Young people can feel that their trust has been betrayed when their parents talk about them to their friends. It is good to share things with friends but your child needs to realize that just as they share things with each other, parents need to too. You could agree not to share without your child's permission. It is important for you to get the support you need.
Women's magazines and magazines for teenagers have information about health, sexuality and development. Girls often have access to these magazines. Girls also talk amongst themselves about these issues but boys can often feel very isolated. The most anxiety comes from not knowing how others are coping with these changes. Everyone else can look like they've got it all under control.
Copyright © 2001-8 Gill Lough & Max Saunders
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