Questions from 9-12 year-olds
Is it okay for teenagers to have sex?
Young people who start having sex before they are 16 years old often say they should have waited longer. They say their early sexual experiences have often been negative and they were under pressure at the time leaving them feeling bad about themselves. When a person’s self-esteem is shaken they are less able to make healthy decisions.
Having sexual intercourse involves making some important safer sex decisions. Even when people use contraception there is a risk of pregnancy. It is okay to experiment and have a sexy time together and for young people to enjoy their sexuality without taking those risks. This is an important part of learning about each other and developing a healthy relationship before taking that step.
What is the right time to start having sex?
You answer could start like this: "The right time is going to be different for everyone. You will know the right time when you consider the answers to questions such as "Why do I want to have sex?" "Have we got the relationship I want before starting to have sex?" "Can we both take the responibilities of a sexual relationship?" "What will we do if I/she gets pregnant?" "Who can I talk to if things go wrong?" "How will I feel if we break up?"
This is an opportunity to talk about your values and what you want for your son or daughter. You could answer by talking about the kind of relationship and the skills you want them to have before considering having sex for the first time. A relationship where they feel loved and cared for. A relationship where they can talk about preventing pregnancy and infection.
What have periods got to do with sex?
Your response could be: “A woman has a period so she can have a baby. To start a baby a man and a woman have sex. So really the two are related because they are both needed to have a baby. But most people don't have sex to have a baby, they have sex because it feels good and is a way they express their love for each other. When two people are in a sexual relationship they talk about ways not to have a baby. This is called contraception. However no matter what contraception people use there is always a risk of pregnancy. "
This is a good oppportunity to talk about the responsibilities that are part of having a sexual relationship and the fact that no contraception is one hundred percent effective, so there is always a possibility of pregnancy when people have sex. Taking this opportunity to talk about sex will show that you are open to talking about it and open to be asked questions about sex.
Why aren't you on the pill?
Your child may be wondering if you are planning to have more children or may be curious to know about other forms of contraception. They may know that some women take the Pill but may not know why. If they are old enough to know about contraception they are old enough to know more. You also want to give them the message that you are comfortable talking about this.
Your response could be: “Taking the Pill is one way to stop getting pregnant. It is called contraception. Your father has had a vasectomy, which is another form of contraception. So we won’t be having any more children.”
If you use your penis a lot will it stop functioning?
Your son needs reassurance that this is not the case. He may be worried that masturbation will cause problems as he gets older or he may be wondering what happens to men as they age.
Your response could be: "No, if a man masturbates often or has sex often his penis will not start to get worn out or stop functioning. But as a man reaches old age he will not have as many erections or respond as quickly as he did when he was younger."
What will it be like when my period starts?
"You will probably notice a small amount of blood and mucus on the toilet paper when you first go to the toilet in the morning. You may notice that you have some mucus on your pants on some days in the month or so before your period starts. You may feel sore in the lower part of your back. If you notice these things you can always talk to me about how you are feeling."
Your daughter may wonder what her period will be like and worry that it may start with a flood in the middle of the day. You can tell her that doesn’t usually happen. She will usually notice a small amount of blood and mucus when she gets up in the morning. However she could take some spare underwear and a pad in her school bag or overnight bag if she is staying away from home.
Girls usually experience some period pain and sometimes it can be severe. It may be low back pain, pelvic pain and may radiate down the legs. Some girls have an upset stomach, feel nauseous or even vomit on the first day of their period. These symptoms are usually caused by the release of prostaglandins. Medication is available to reduce the amount of prostaglandins released and is therefore more effective if taken 12 - 24 hours before the period starts.
Why do I have one breast bigger than the other?
"It is normal for one breast to grow faster than the other. When they finish growing they will be the same size. Meanwhile you will be the only one to notice the difference."
The changes at puberty take a bit of getting used to. Young people constantly compare themselves with others and focus on details that may seem irrelevant to adults. They need constant reassurance that they are normal. Others are going through exactly the same changes as they are but everyone grows at a different rate.
How long do pubic hairs grow?
"Pubic hair doesn't grow very long. The hair on your head keeps on growing, but the hair on your arms, legs and pubic hair stops growing when it is still short."
The changes at puberty take a bit of getting used to. Young people constantly compare themselves with others and focus on details that may seem irrelevant to adults. They need constant reassurance that they are normal. So reassure them that others are going through exactly the same changes as they are, but that growth and development occurs at different rates in different people.
I want to wear a bra like my friends.
It is hard for children who develop later than their friends to accept that everyone grows at a different rate. There are bra-like tops available for younger girls and your daughter may feel happier with one of these. However more importantly she needs lots of reassurance that her breasts will develop soon, in their own time.
When will I get pubic hair? (male)
"Pubic hair will start to grow as you go through puberty. Some boys start puberty when they are 10, others not until they are 16."
The changes at puberty take a bit of getting used to. Young people constantly compare themselves with others and focus on details that may seem irrelevant to adults. They need constant reassurance that they are normal. Others are going through exactly the same changes as they are but everyone grows at a different rate.
I'm too fat. Can I go on a diet?
"All girls change shape as they go through puberty. It takes time to get used to your new shape. I will help you to eat a healthy diet and lets talk about ways to increase the exercise you are getting, because that will help you to stay a healthy size. Going on a diet will help you lose weight at first but most people gain weight when they stop dieting."
The most common cause of obesity is diet-related and not due to a medical condition. Promoting a good diet and encouraging regular exercise will help prevent excessive weight gain. If your child is not interested in organised sport, suggest walking to school or swimming. At this age obese children are often teased by classmates and they may develop poor self esteem. They need your ongoing support to help them cope with their condition. The best thing you can do for an overweight child is to get professional advice early. Evidence shows that if intervention is provided early in the course of obesity, weight control is likely to be more successful.
How old are you when your penis stops growing?
"Your penis will continue to grow until you have gone through all the changes at puberty and when you have stopped growing taller. That might not be until your late teens."
Boys worry if their penis doesn't look the same as others, especially compared to the size of an adult's penis. They may have seen their father's penis and wonder if it will ever get to be as big. Telling them that size doesn't matter doesn't take away the anxiety. Knowing that their penis will continue to get bigger through adolescence might help.
Together think about men you admire, men you see as manly and identify the qualities you value in men. These could be qualities such as honesty, good fun to be with, energetic, an ability to laugh at themselves and not take life too seriously. These are the qualities that make a man, not the size of their penis!
How old were you when you first had sex?
When your child asks personal questions think about how much you want to disclose. They don’t need to know your personal details if you don't want to tell them but they still want answers. Try to answer them in a general way. For example you could say that some people first have sex when they are teenagers and others not until they have left school. It is true that the younger people are when they start to have sex, the more they later regret not having waited until they were older. You could say that you want them to wait until they are prepared and ready to take that step and have ensured that the experience will be safe and special.
How often do you have sex?
When your child asks personal questions think about how much you want to disclose. They don’t need to know your personal details but they still want answers. Try to answer them in a general way. For example you could tell them that some adults have sex every day, others once a month and others not at all. You could go on to explain that everyone is different and their needs change at different stages.
Daughter: How long do boys erections last?
"It varies. Boys erections may last for one minute to as long as 30 minutes. For example, boys often wake up with an erection and it goes down when they get up. A boy can have lots of erections during the day and that can be embarrassing if he thinks other people notice."
Daughter: Sex sounds disgusting. Why do people do it?
"Sex is wonderful sensual experience for adults and a way of showing love and affection. While sex may seem a bit strange to you at your age it is natural for adults to have sexual feelings and to have fun making love. "
With this answer you are giving positive messages about sex and are clear this is something that adults do, not children. However you may also want to take the opportunity to talk about some young people experimenting with sex when they are too young, and how you would want your child to behave when they have their first boyfriend or girlfriend.
Does it hurt to have a period?
Girls usually experience some period pain and occasionally it can be severe. It may be low back pain, pelvic pain and may radiate down the legs. Respond to this question carefully as you don't want to give the impression that the pain is difficult to cope with. Expecting some discomfort and knowing that this is normal will help a girl cope with it when the time comes. Most women cope with the discomfort by doing gentle exercises, applying heat or using mild pain relief.
What is circumcision?
See this response for 5-9 year-olds to a similar question
How does a girl masturbate?
"A girl might masturbate by touching parts of her body that give her sexual feelings and gently rubbing around her clitoris. When she is sexually aroused she may come to a climax, or have orgasm, when she will feel a stimulating throbbing in this area. "
What is an abortion?
"When a woman has an unplanned pregnancy she must decide whether to go ahead and have a baby. In the early stages of pregnancy a woman can have an operation or take pills to end the pregnancy. This called an abortion. It is up to the woman to decide what will be best for themselves and their family, however her partner and others close to her will help her to make the decision. Having a baby and caring for children is a big responsibility." You may also say that some people believe abortion should be available to all women and others do not. Explain the legal situation where you live, as well as people's different cultural and religious beliefs and practices.
How do you get pregnant?
"A pregnancy begins when a sperm from a man's body joins with an egg inside a woman's body. It's called conception. This happens after they have sexual intercourse, when a man ejaculates or comes in a woman's vagina. The sperm swim into her uterus and into the fallopian tubes towards her egg. "
What's AIDS?
"AIDS is an illness caused by a virus called HIV. People can be infected with this virus by having sex with an infected person, sharing needles when using drugs, having a blood transfusion with infected blood, or a HIV positive mother can pass it on to her baby during breastfeeding."
Talking about the actions that put someone at risk of HIV is more accurate than talking about the groups of people who are more likely to be infected with the virus. You may go on to say that a person with HIV may be healthy for many years, especially with treatment, but when they have AIDS they are very sick and then the condition is difficult to treat.
What's a prostitute?
"A prostitute is an adult who is paid for having sex." You could say that there are more female prostitutes than male as more men pay for sex than women; that they may be self-employed or work for a massage parlour; and that prostitution is not legal in all countries.
|
