How are babies made? How does a baby come out? How does the baby get in?
Do these questions throw you? Don’t let them. They are asked out of curiosity. Your child is interested in the facts of pregnancy and birth, they are not asking about sexual feelings. Most 6 and 7-year-olds imagine babies are somehow manufactured by adults, like supermarket items. However they do seem to realise that both sexes are required.
My friend says a man puts his penis in a lady’s vagina……but it’s not true really.
-Darryn, 7 years
Darryn is not sure who or what to believe. Children hear about sexual intercourse and talk about it among themselves. They often use sex words they have heard from their friends but they may not know what the words mean. This is the beginning of sex talk and joking about sex with peers. They are old enough to understand sexual intercourse if you explain it to them when the opportunity arises.
If your child asks the question, “How are babies made?” a simple answer is to explain in your own words that when a man and a woman are loving each other in a special way the man puts his penis in the woman’s vagina. Some fluid comes out of the penis with sperm in it. The sperm look for an egg cell inside the woman. If they meet a new baby starts to grow.
They may go on to ask questions about how they will be boys or girls, ask when they are getting a baby sister and are often fascinated by anything unusual, such as Siamese twins. Don’t be surprised if children think sexual activity sounds either ridiculous or disgusting. When a boy saw a couple kissing passionately on a park bench he asked what they were doing. He was told they were kissing and he said, “Yuk, I’m never going to do that!” He has plenty of time to change his mind.
What's a period?
"A period is something a woman gets four or five days every month. Every month a woman's body gets ready to make a baby. Most of the time she doesn't make a baby so she has her period and a trickle of blood comes from her vagina. She uses a pad or a tampon to soak up the blood."
Take this opportunity to show your son or daughter what pads and tampons look like. To prepare your daughter once she is 8 or 9 years old, buy her a supply of pads and tampons to experiment with. Suggest ways to cope with her period if she is at school or at a friends house. Periods typically begin a year after breast development starts so work out when that could be together.
What's a wet dream?
"Some boys have wet dreams when they go through puberty. A small amount of wet sticky fluid comes from their penis while they are asleep. It is a sign that they are growing to be an adult." More
What's a virgin? What's a boner? Is sex dirty?
Suzie asked her father, “What’s a virgin?” Her father said, “Ask your mother.” Her mother said, “Don’t they teach you that at school?” Suzie felt she was getting the run-around. She had a suspicion that if she put the question to her teacher she would be told to ask the school nurse or counsellor.
Try rehearsing answers to these questions. Think about how you would respond to questions like these, before your child asks.
You might feel uncomfortable about the language and content of these and other questions your child may ask. Separate the question from the way it is asked. Once you’ve done this, you can respond with language you feel is more appropriate. You will be modelling the language you want your child to use.
Can I go to the sex classes at school?
If your school has a policy of asking for parental consent before sexuality education classes begin you should be given information about the topics being covered. You might think that it is your role to talk about sex and sexuality to your child and not the role of the school. However the school has an opportunity to clarify information and develop open communication within the children's peer group.
Schools can complement your child’s learning from home and provide social learning opportunities that are not possible within the family. In the classroom children have the opportunity to practise communication skills. Young people are encouraged to be open and honest with each other when talking about sexuality issues. In the classroom children can hear each other’s opinions and gain an understanding and tolerance of others. The school can give up-to-date, accurate information that is sometimes not easily accessible to parents. And your child has an opportunity to discuss matters with their teachers. This is different from discussing these matters with you, because teachers are not emotionally involved with them in the way you are as a parent.
Hinehou, a Maori community worker, was finding it difficult to talk to her daughter, Merita, about the changes she would be going through at puberty. When her daughter’s school notified her that they would be discussing sexuality issues at school it motivated her to get started. She was surprised at how much Merita already knew, even though some of herideas were confused. Hinehou was pleased she had been ‘pushed into it’ by the school, especially as Marita had her first period soon after.
While the program is on at school you can use the opportunity to talk to your child about sexuality. Ideally, you will tell your child what to expect at puberty. However not all parents talk to their children and give them the information they need.
When asked what she learnt from the course on puberty an 11-year-old girl wrote: “I learnt heaps, most things I wouldn’t learn at home. I thought it would be shaming but it wasn’t. I didn’t even know about periods.”
Talk to your child well before puberty about the changes ahead. Talk to them about your own values and the expectations you have of them. This will help them to develop their own set of values.
What's a homo?
"A homo is an offensive slang word for homosexual. A homosexual person is an adult who feels attracted to people like themselves such as a man attracted to another man or a woman being attracted to another woman. Gay and lesbian are other words for homosexual. Adults who are attracted to people of the other sex are called heterosexual."
You can play a part in developing non-discriminatory attitudes if you give factual information and show your acceptance of homosexuality whenever it is discussed.
Can I marry Johnny when I grow up?
This question was asked by a seven-year-old boy, who was devastated when his mother told him he could never marry his friend Johnny. It would have been better if she had treated the question in the same way she would have if her daughter of the same age had asked if she could one day marry Johnny.
If your son asks a similar question involving same sex marriage, you could say that you hope that he will have many very special friends while he is growing up and that when he is an adult you hope that he will choose someone who will make him very happy. At this age it is not necessary to go into sexual orientation issues.
[Footnote: Gay marriages and civil unions are legal now in a number of states and countries, and in this case the mother was incorrect in telling her son that he would not be able to marry another male.]
Why has Mary got two Mummies?
Children will observe differences in family composition once they are at school, such as in this case where Mary apparently has two mothers. The diversity in family composition includes single parents, multiple families living together, blended (step) families, children raised by their grandparents or by gay or lesbian parents.
To answer the question you will need to know if Mary has a mother and a stepmother or has lesbian parents. If you don't know the family you could say:
"I'm not sure. Mary may have parents who are lesbian. That would mean she has two mothers at home. Or she may have a stepmother living with her dad, and her mother living somewhere else."
What is sex Dad?
"Sex is when two adults kiss, cuddle and touch and make love to each other. When a man and a woman are loving each other in a special way the man puts his penis in the woman’s vagina. This feels nice for both of them and they have fun together. This is also how babies are made."
The messages you are giving with this answer is that sex is something adults do, that it's pleasurable and that you are open to talk about it.
What's a condom? What's the pill?
"When a man and a woman have sex they can make a baby. If they use a condom or the pill, they can have sex without making a baby. A condom fits over the man's penis like a glove, and the pill is a pill that the woman takes every day. It is also called contraception."
A frank open discussion at this age will show that it is okay to talk about condoms and sex and you are happy to be asked questions about this.
What does circumcised mean?
"Some boys have an operation when they are babies called circumcision. The skin covering the end of the penis is removed. In some countries the operation is common so a boy who hasn't had this operation feels very different. In many western countries boys are only circumcised for medical reasons."
More about circumcision
What's an erection?
"An erection is when the penis gets bigger and harder. This is caused by the blood vessels filling up with blood. It can happen when a man feels sexy, when he wakes up in the morning or sometimes it just happens."
What's masturbation?
"Masturbation is when a person rubs the sexual parts of their body for sexual pleasure. It is something people do in private."
More about masturbation
What have periods got to do with sex?
Your response could be: “A woman has a period so she can have a baby. To start a baby a man and a woman have sex. So really the two are related because they are both needed to have a baby. Do you want to ask me some questions about sex?”
Why aren't you married?
This is an opportunity to talk about differences in families and differences in relationships. People in long term relationships make different commitments to each other. Some people have public ceremonies such as getting married in a church, having a marriage ceremony in a place of importance to them such as on a beach or in a garden, or having a civil union celebration. Others make a private commitment to each other without a ceremony and are in de facto relationships. They may be gay, lesbian or heterosexual. Cultures celebrate marriages with different customs: the rituals, the clothes worn, the food eaten, the religion, venue and time taken are particular to each culture.
