Questions from parents
It's all very well to talk about adults having sexual feelings, but children don't have sexual feelings do they?
Yes, but childrens feelings are more sensual then sexual. Child and adult sexuality are different in fundamental ways. Talking about children’s sexuality can make us feel uneasy because we may assume that sexuality means the same for children as it does for adults. Children’s sexual behaviour does not have the same meaning and does not occur with the same thoughts and feelings as similar adult behaviour more
When should I start talking to my child about this?
Start talking to your baby, using the ‘proper’ words for penis or vulva and vagina, when they are only a few weeks old. Use the words just as you would when talking to them about other parts of their body. Of course at this age your baby won’t understand the words. However, talking to your baby using the ‘proper’ language is a useful rehearsal for later conversations. This is especially helpful for parents who are not comfortable using these terms for the genitals. Doing this will build confidence in your ability to talk about sexuality and you will be ready when your child is able to understand.
From the time your child is a toddler, opportunities to have talks about sexuality will arise naturally. Your child’s curiosity can be used as a cue to provide information. For instance, when they comment about a pregnant woman, a sexual joke, or nudity, you can use this to open a conversation while they are interested. At these times they are more likely to talk and share their ideas, and listen to your ideas. So don’t let these opportunities slip by – use them in preference to approaching the topic cold.
Ideally by the age of 8 years you will have talked with your child about the changes puberty has ahead for them. This is especially important if they are an early developer and are entering puberty prematurely. If your child does not ask specific questions by age 7 or 8, open it up for them. Start by wondering out loud what you think they want to ask. Then wait. Rather than answering your question yourself, give them plenty of time to put it into their own words, to talk, to wonder, to think, and ask their own questions.
My 3-year-old daughter frequently masturbates. Is this normal?
Some children masturbate often. Little girls may rub themselves with a soft toy or ride on the arm of an armchair or rocking horse. Occasionally toddlers have been observed to have what appear to be orgasms. However masturbation at this age is usually a sensual, relaxing, comforting activity and not involving the intensity of sexual arousal and orgasm.
Some little boys constantly hold on to their penis. If the behaviour is concerning you, try to find out why they are doing it. It could be that something is worrying them. Very young children won’t be able to tell you exactly what the problem is so you need to think about what could be the cause. It could be the new baby in the family, a parent going back to work or the scary dog next door. Work out how to help them feel better. Knowing you understand how they feel can be a great comfort to them. Alternatively it could be that they are rubbing themselves because they are itchy and may have eczema or an infection. It can simply be because they enjoy it and it has become a habit.
My 7-year-old's teacher found my son showing his penis to a group of girls and was very concerned. How should I deal with this?
Many children particpate in the game of, "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" out of curiosity and an interest in the difference between girls and boys. Your son needs to learn that he shouldn't show others the private parts of his body and that it is inappropriate to touch or look at others in this way. Use this as an opportunity to talk about the differences and show him pictures in the many books written for children. You should be more concerned if the behaviour is repeated in a secretive way and upsets the other children.
Will talking about sex encourage my 9-year-old to experiment?
No. Young people are curious about sex. Their interest is normal and healthy. If your son or daughter asks when you first had sex, how often you have sex or how many people you have had sex with think carefully about how much you want to disclose. They don’t need to know your personal details but they still want answers. Try to answer them in a general way. For example you could tell them that some people have sex every day at one stage in their lives and may have sex once a month at other times in their lives. Young people with an open communication about sex with their parents are more likely to delay having sex until they are older and are less likely to get pregnant when they are teenagers. A chapter the book called Ask me anything gives ideas on how to answer questions about sex.
Why is it important for young people to delay having sexual intercourse?
Children are reaching sexual maturity earlier today than when you were a child. Boys and girls are physiologically capable of sexual activity before they are ready emotionally. Give your child a clear message that sexual intercourse is an adults-only activity and they are far too young to experience sex.
Between the ages of 10 and 12 some children experiment with sexual intercourse and oral sex. It tends to be a purely physical activity and often occurs in groups. Boys “see if it will fit”, taking turns with others watching. Sometimes it is a result of a dare, part of a game or they are bullied into it. They risk pregnancy, infections, and feeling bad about themselves. Parents are shocked when they learn their child is involved in such activity and the situation needs to be handled sensitively. The child may feel guilty and blame themselves for ending up in this situation.
Young people who start having sex before they are 16 years old often say they should have waited longer. They say their early sexual experiences have often been negative and they were under pressure at the time, leaving them confused and feeling bad about themselves. When a person’s self-esteem is shaken they are less able to make healthy decisions.
Young people need to have the confidence to feel comfortable with their early sexual feelings without having sexual intercourse. Your parenting will help to build self esteem and good communication about sexuality will give them confidence to stand up for themselves. Talking to your child about friendships, sex and relationships is an important part of parenting. Talk about the basics of contraception, safer sex, signs of pregnancy, pregnancy options and the local health services available to young people. It is better to give children information before they become sexually active. Encourage them to think about the decisions they will need to make in the future. Research shows that young people who have had the opportunity to learn about these issues are more likely to delay sexual intercourse.
Delaying intercourse will allow them to enjoy early sexual experiences such as kissing, touching and getting to know each other before making the decision to have sex. If they wait until they feel ready to take this step they are more likely to practise safer sex. Family Planning organisations and government agencies have pamphlets and websites with information that will update you on these topics.
Sexuality education at school will also help them gain this confidence. Ask your school about the sexuality education they provide and what you can do to support it. Becoming involved in improving sexuality education at school or helping develop youth friendly services in the community is a great way to help all children.
Is this okay for 4-year-olds?
I was helping at the pre-school and went to tidy up the playhouse area. I was shocked to find two four-year-olds lying in the bed together. They had no clothes on and were wriggling and giggling under the sheets. My first thought was they were acting out sex they had seen on TV or even at home.
–JoAnn, mother of a pre-schooler
These children were enjoying the physical sensations of their skin against the sheets and each other. Their actions were playful, sensual and exciting. Adults would be experiencing sexual desire, sexual arousal or eroticism. There is a big difference between the behaviour of children and adults. Their play was not secretive and they were both happy. You could have responded by laughing with the children and encouraging them to hop out of bed, put their clothes on and involve them in some other game.
What can schools teach about this that I can’t?
Schools can complement your child’s learning from home and provide social learning opportunities that are not possible within the family. In the classroom children have the opportunity to practise communication skills. Young people are encouraged to be open and honest with each other when talking about sexuality issues.
In the classroom children can hear each other’s opinions and gain an understanding and tolerance of others. The school can give up-to-date, accurate information that is sometimes not easily accessible to parents. And your child has an opportunity to discuss matters with their teachers. This is different from discussing these matters with you, because teachers are not emotionally involved with them in the way you are as a parent.
Will school teachers impose their own values on my child and undermine the values I want them to learn?
No. Teachers are trained to be clear about the difference between facts and opinion in their sexuality teaching. If they talk about opinions it will not be their personal opinions, it will be inclusive of a range of opinion. The role of sexuality education at primary school is to complement learning at home, not to challenge or undermine your values.
Will the school teach my child that homosexuality is normal?
Sexuality education programs acknowledge the sexual diversity in the community and at the school. Schools do not tolerate discrimination of any kind and they will be inclusive of all sexual orientations in their teachings.
Schools usually have policies that include the objective of enabling all students to reach their academic and social potential without prejudice. They can only do this if they seek to provide an environment that is inclusive and affirming of gay, lesbian and bisexual people in all aspects of school life.
The majority of children at primary school will be unaware of their sexual orientation until they reach their teens. However, the primary school can play a part in developing non-discriminatory attitudes and dispel myths surrounding homosexuality.
My child has an intellectual disability. What should she be learning in sexuality education classes?
Children with intellectual disabilities have a right to access honest, accurate and effective information and education about sexuality. It is an unfortunate fact that some children with disabilities are taken advantage of sexually. For their own safety, it is important these children learn about their sexuality. As with other aspects of their learning, they need information repeated in many different ways to enable them to learn.
Parents have a key role in reinforcing the sexuality education program in the school to make the most of this opportunity. If you have a child with an intellectual disability it is important to attend the parents’ consultation meetings so that you and your child are able to take full advantage of the program.
A program for primary school children with intellectual disabilities:
1. Growing up. The students examine the physical and emotional differences between being a child, teenager and an adult. They also identify the differences between men and women. They name the parts of the body and identify the public and private parts of the body.
2. Understanding changes at puberty. The students talk about the changes that take place at puberty.
3. Public and private. They identify the public and private places (at home, at school, in the community) and public and private behaviours (toileting, masturbating, showering, getting dressed etc.)
4. Feelings. They identify ‘yes’ feelings and ‘no’ feelings and the physical signs the body has when they are expressed. They identify the people they can trust and who they could go to for help. They discuss how inappropriate behaviour can affect others and practise dealing with difficult situations.
5. Relationships. They discuss different types of relationships and appropriate and inappropriate touching in those relationships.
Your child may be provided with a workbook and activities they can complete at home. This gives you the opportunity to reinforce the lesson and to incorporate your values. You may be surprised at some of the things we all take for granted, as this story illustrates:
Justin came home with his workbook and was asked to find pictures of babies, children, teenagers and adults and talk about how you can tell the difference. We were amazed at how difficult this was for him. He clearly knew what a baby was but otherwise was very unclear about who was a child, teenager or adult. We had told him if he needed help he should ask an adult. We had made the assumption he knew who were adults and who weren’t. That was a mistake. We were also surprised that he thought he was the same age as 6 and 7 year olds.
-Evelyn, mother of Justin, 11 years
Children with intellectual disabilities may be mainstreamed, that is, placed in the same classes as the other children in the school. However their needs are specific and are unlikely to be met if the sexuality education program is not simplified. Schools should provide extra classes in sexuality for them. Where there are only a few students with learning disabilities in the school they could combine classes with other schools in their area.
At what age do boys go through puberty?
Boys normally go through puberty between 10 and 16 years. Sperm begin to be produced at the same time as pubic hair appears.
At what age do girls get their first period?
Girls typically start their periods when they weigh about 41 kilos (90 pounds) and are about 149cms (4 foot 10) tall. It is usually between 9 and 14 years. Studies show that height is the most reliable predictor of when a girl can expect to have her first period. Each period lasts for 2 to 7 days. Periods may be irregular at first but usually settle down to a pattern after a few months. If a girl's period has not started by the time she is sixteen it would be a good idea to talk to a nurse or doctor about it.
Is it normal for a 7-year-old to show his penis to classmates?
The school principal rang to say my 7-year-old son had "taken his penis out on the bus". The principal went on to say this was serious and was a matter that we, as parents, had to address this with our son as a serious misconduct. My husband and I sat him down that evening to discuss the whole matter, he was very ashamed of what he’d done. He knows, but we repeated the fact that “private parts” are just that etc, etc. My main concerns are: Is this normal behaviour? Could this be an indication that he’s got a sexuality problem which may manifest later in life too?
Be reassured that your child's behaviour does not sound very unusual. He was involved in an exciting "curiosity" game showing the other children his penis. Many children participate in this kind of game, usually as a "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" game. You have quite rightly reminded him that this is a private part of his body and that this game is inappropriate. You need to be concerned if the behaviour continues and is repeated in a secretive manner involving other children in a way that upsets them. But otherwise you don't need to worry.
Is curiosity in the same sex normal for a seven-year-old?
Seven-year-olds often develop closer friendships with others of the same sex . Boys prefer to play with boys and girls with girls. Sex play is common at this age within these same-sex groups. Sometimes they will look at and touch each other’s genitals. This is normal behaviour and does not influence your child’s future sexual orientation. In these situations your child is simply exploring and developing an awareness of their sexuality which will help give them knowledge and confidence about their bodies. Without that knowledge they may grow up feeling that their bodies are embarrassing or different from everyone else’s.
I was shocked to find my six-year-old son looking at porn magazines with his friends. They tried acting out what they saw. I am worried about the effect of this on my son. What should I do?
I'm sure your son is okay. Of course you are worried and could start thinking he has something wrong with him. But let's put what he has done in perspective for his age. He has found pornographic pictures and had an exciting time looking at them with his friends. His excitement would have been very normal, they probably felt a bit naughty at finding pictures like this and thought the people looked funny doing funny things to each other. That is very different than the way an adult might be sexually excited by them. So then he tried some of those things out, acting out what in his child's mind he thought they were doing. That would have been exciting too, doing something daring and completely outside his normal experience. It also would feel good for him - but in a normal, childlike, exciting and sensual way rather than a sexually arousing way. Children don't experience the same sexual desire and erotic feelings as adults. They will start to have those feelings when they get that surge of hormones during puberty, but not when they are children. For him, it may not seem that he has been very bad. In fact, although I can understand your worry, his behaviour or these experiences are not going to have any long term effects on his life or any of the other childrens.
Now lets look at your reaction. Understandably you were shocked when you heard that he had had access to pornography and about his behaviour. Give him clear guidelines - that he shouldn't touch or look at the private parts of people's bodies or let anyone do that to him. Tell him you love him and that he is special and don't worry that there is something wrong with him. There are differences between child and adult sexuality. As we say in our book -
"Children's sex play is normal if it involves curiosity and play; if it is spontaneous and open; and if it involves sensuality and excitement rather than eroticism."
Would it be appropriate for my 11-yr-old daughter to also read this book - she's very interested in looking through it..
We wrote this book to give parents information and ideas to establish open communication about sexuality with their children. Your 11-year-old can read it too but take the opportunity to talk to her about what she has read. She will then hear your ideas, attitudes and values and you will show her you are open to talk about these things.
My four-year-old daughter seems obsessed with toilets. She talks about other people's toilets and when I take her out visiting she always wants to see the toilet soon after we arrive.
It is common for children at this age to be very interested in bathrooms and toilets and what people do in the toilet. They are curious about the fact that men and women use different positions when using the toilet. They can make up new words about what they produce in the toilet, giggle and make jokes about what other people do in the toilet and get excited watching other children going to the toilet. They will soon pass through this phase. However it is important to explain the difference between public and private, explaining about the private parts of the body and that the bathroom is a private place. Teach them to be respectful of others and that going to the toilet is a private activity.
What about sex on television and the internet?
Not only sex but sexual messages are conveyed on many television programmes and commercials and increasingly in internet videos on social networking websites. Sexual issues and sexual behaviour such as sex and gender roles, body image, and how people talk about sex are common themes.
By watching TV with your child you can use programmes to talk about sexuality issues and values. Using these opportunities will strengthen your communication with them. You can also set boundaries to limit television and internet viewing to appropriate programmes and sites. While you can use technology to block TV channels and internet sites at home, your child may see material you feel is inappropriate outside the home. If this happens your child is more likely to talk to you about it when you have established an open communication with them.
My son plays with dolls. What should I do?
My daughter plays "boys" games and with "boys" toys. What should I do?
You may be concerned because your son is playing with dolls or other "girls" toys, but by playing with dolls your son is learning to care for others. He is gaining skills that will help him to be a nurturing father to his own children some day. Similarly, you may be concerned because your daughter plays with trucks, but she is learning about speed, acceleration, impacts and angles. You can alert your children to other activities if you feel this is necessary, and tell them that you want them to try lots of different toys and games.
What can I do about people gender stereotyping my kids?
You may be worried that people often tell your little girl that she is very pretty, or tell your little boy that he is strong and tough. While children are influenced by other people's comments, the comments that you make as a parent are the most important and have the greatest influence. To counter other people's comments, you can add your own. For example, if someone says to your son, "You are really good at kicking the football", you could say, "Yes he's terrific and he's been helping me cook dinner, too."
At what age should I talk to my child about sexual abuse?
You want your child to be safe. You want to be able to protect them from danger. But the reality is you can’t always be there to protect them. Try not to dwell on possible traumatic events when talking to your child about keeping safe. Reassure them that they are unlikely to come into contact with people who would hurt them. Prepare them so that they know what to do if something bad happens. Give them the language to use for parts of the body, including the sexual parts of the body. Let them know that their body is special and that noone should ever hurt them.
They can learn how to recognise an unsafe situation, learn how to stay in control and what to do to get out of danger. One way to recognise an unsafe situation is to know the way the body responds when you are scared. Adrenalin is released and the heart beats faster, the blood is redirected to the muscles for action, breathing becomes rapid and you feel alert. When you are in danger the body has one or more ‘early warning signs’. Your child doesn't need to know about adrenalin but can recognise the signs from the time they are 4 or 5 years old. For example, their knees might feel like jelly, you they may have an urge to urinate, their palms feel sweaty or they get a feeling of butterflies in the stomach.
Teaching your child to recognise these signs means they can be alert to possible danger. Help them identify these signs by relating them to a scary but safe experience they have had recently. For example, a roller coaster ride or their first time on a water slide. Their physical responses to scary but exciting situations will be the same as scary but unsafe traumatic events.
What can they do when they sense danger?
When their early warning signs alert them something is wrong they need to take action. Tell them if someone is doing something that makes them feel scared they could move away, tell the person to stop or get someone to help them. Give them ideas such as yelling or doing something gross to distract the person. For example, spitting or pretending to vomit will give them time to get away. Tell them that these are only suggestions and they have your permission to do anything they can at the time.
Ella, 10 years, liked her cousin Mike coming to babysit. He let her stay up late and watch TV programs her mother wouldn’t let her watch. But one night he moved very close to her and put his arm along the back of the couch behind her. He said he could see she was growing up. He put his hand on her breast ‘to see how big she was getting’. She felt so scared that her throat went tight and dry. When she tried to tell him to stop no sound came out. She pushed him away, ran into her mother’s room and locked the door. Feeling safe she then used the phone beside the bed to ring the next door neighbour.
Ella had acted on her ‘early warning sign’. In this case her throat felt tight and dry. Her mother had talked to her about how her body felt when she was scared. Ella had said her throat had felt tight and dry when she had watched a scary movie. When Mike touched her she recognised she was in danger and needed to do something. Ella had acted early and was safe.
Child sexual abuse is abhorrent. Unfortunately it is easy to pass on your horror and fear of it when talking to your child. Abusers are usually known and even loved by the child so try not to talk about 'stranger danger'. Passing your feelings of fear and anxiety to them is not helpful. We can’t frighten children into feeling safe. The best way to protect your child from sexual abuse is to build their inner strength and self-confidence so that in the event of potential abuse they will not feel powerless, will know what to do and will talk to you about it.
My brother is gay. At what age should I talk about this?
If your child knows your brother well you could create an opportunity to talk about it with your child once they are 6 or 7. Open the conversation by asking if they know he is gay and what they understand gay means. You could explain he has boyfriends and ask him to invite them to meet the kids. If they come to stay with you make sure you tell your children beforehand so there are no surprises. When your child sees that you are treating them the same as other couples you know, they will do the same.
At what age should I talk to my child about contraception?
If they see contraceptives a 4-5 year-old will be satisfied with a simple explanation, such as, "That is a condom", or, "They are my pills." Children aged 7-8 years are able to understand that contraception is used by adults so that women don't get pregnant. 9-10 year-olds are ready for more specific information about how contraception works. For example, that the Pill stops eggs from being released from the ovaries; the condom stops the sperm from reaching the egg; and the ECP (Emergency Contraceptive Pill) prevents pregnancy.
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