9-12 year-olds
Managing changes at puberty
Changes during puberty can leave young people feeling uneasy and confused. Give them lots of reassurance that these changes are normal. Your child is growing up but they are not necessarily growing away from you.
Young people need help to see themselves as people with their own ideas, feelings and personality. Tell them people don’t judge them only on their appearance. Point out your child’s good qualities and show them that you value what they do and say. It is also important for young people to be with friends who accept them for who they are.
Making sure your child has interests outside school and that they have plenty of opportunities to mix with people of their own age will help them find friends who are supportive and compatible. Encourage them to develop their interests in some way to keep physically fit. People who exercise regularly generally feel better about themselves. Exercising is also a way for them to keep in touch with their changing shape and to gain control over their body. Look for a sport or activity that will suit their physique and temperament.
11 year old Tania was invited to her best friend Sandra’s house for Sandra’s birthday. All her friends were going to sleep over. For Tania it was a hard decision to make, as she was sure her period was due to start that night. It would only be her third period, and she felt unsure she could manage. After pondering the question all day, she finally asked her mother to collect her from the party at 9.30pm.
Next day her period had not started, and her friends talked excitedly about the great time they had at the party. She complained moodily to her Mum that she had made the wrong decision and missed out on the fun.
Like Tania, your daughter may have trouble making decisions when learning to manage her periods. You can help by working through the pros and cons of the various options with her.
Menstruation
I wanted my daughter to feel really special when her period started, and to feel that it is an important milestone to becoming a woman. But I couldn’t help also feeling sad it would be the end of her childhood and that precious childhood innocence.
-Belinda, mother of Stacey, 12 years
My mother tells me it will be a special, amazing time when my period starts but it’s also kind of scary waiting for it to happen. It’s embarrassing. Why do girls have to have them anyway?
-Stacey
Belinda told Stacey that having periods is an important milestone in becoming a woman, and it is. However, she has many milestones to go and the message that she is now a woman is misleading. She may still be a child in the other areas of her development.
Girls start their periods when they weigh about 41 kilos (90 pounds) and are about 149cms (4 foot 10) tall. It is usually between 9 and 14 years. Studies show that height is the most reliable predictor of when a girl can expect to have her first period. Each period lasts for 2 to 7 days. Her periods may be irregular at first but usually settle down to a pattern after a few months. If your daughter hasn’t started her period by the time she is 16 it would be a good idea to talk to a nurse or doctor about it.
Your daughter may wonder what her period will be like and worry that it may start with a flood in the middle of the day. You can tell her that doesn’t usually happen. She will usually notice a small amount of blood and mucus when she gets up in the morning. However she could take some spare underwear and a pad in her school bag or overnight bag if she is staying away from home.
Girls usually experience some period pain and sometimes it can be severe. It may be low back pain, pelvic pain and may radiate down the legs. Some girls have an upset stomach, feel nauseous or even vomit on the first day of their period. These symptoms are usually caused by the release of a hormone called prostaglandins. Medication is available to reduce the amount of prostaglandins released and is therefore more effective if taken 12 - 24 hours before the period starts.
Buy a supply of pads for your daughter so that she is prepared. She may wish to try using tampons after managing her first periods using pads. At night it is safer to continue to use pads, as tampons need to be changed every 3-4 hours. A common misconception is that women cannot use tampons until after they have experienced sexual intercourse. They are able to use tampons even when their hymen is intact. The hymen is a piece of skin inside and partially closing the vagina. At puberty the hymen will often already be stretched open through normal physical activity.
My mother told me nothing about periods, so when it happened I freaked out. I don’t want that to happen to my daughter but I don’t know how to say it. It’s a big culture issue for us.
-Mele, Samoan mother
I was lucky ‘cos my nanny told me about my mate (period) and mate rags (sanitary pads) so when it came time to talk to my girls it was okay for me. But most of my friends didn’t know about it ‘til it happened. You only talked about those things down there with your husband.
-Moana, Maori mother of three girls
Most women know of other women who weren’t prepared for their first period. The unexpected bleeding can shock girls. Some may think they have cancer or are dying because of the pain and bleeding. Some girls feel they are being punished.
If you find it difficult to talk to your daughter try talking to other mothers about it first. Young girls want to hear about periods from their mothers, and their early personal experiences of them. Alternatively tell your daughter you are finding it hard to talk about this because it is such a sensitive and important issue. She will appreciate your honesty and you will find it much easier once you get started. If you talk to your daughter and she seems uninterested be sure to come back later and show her you are comfortable answering questions.
Early sexual development
You will have seen reports in the media that children are reaching sexual maturity earlier than previous generations. The average age of menstruation has fallen over the past 100 years from 17 to about 13 years. Some girls begin breast development very early, as early as 7 years old. A study by Bristol University’s Institute of Child Health found one in six British girls reach puberty by eight years of age, and half of all girls in Britain enter puberty by the age of 10. Another finding was that one in 14 eight-year-old boys had pubic hair, compared with one in 150 boys of their fathers generation.
Some paediatricians are concerned at the trend toward earlier puberty and researchers have many theories about it. Some suggest hormones in meat may be responsible. Others blame industrial or agricultural chemicals such as PCBs, DDT or certain types of plastics, which can have hormone-like effects. Children are more likely to be overweight and taller than 50 years ago. Other reasons suggested are the sexualized messages on TV, in music, movies and advertising. Whatever the cause, if your child is developing sexually at 7 years or younger you should talk to a health professional.
A 2006 report of a study of children in the UK by Liverpool John Moores University Centre for Public Health says there have been no attempts to develop young people faster, leaving "an increasing gap between physical puberty, changes to their bodies, which tends to happen around 12, and social puberty, when they are able to make decisions for themselves. "
Dr Mark Bellis, one of the report's authors, said:
"Children who are now developing at an earlier stage need a different approach. Information often regarded as adult on sex, relationships and dealing with issues of conflict is currently given when it is too late. The gap between when children are developing and coming into adulthood and when adult information is dispensed is the longest it's ever been. So giving it at a later stage can do more harm than good because children need to get to grips with the changes in their life sooner."
Mixed messages
Parents can easily give mixed messages about sexuality to their child. One parent sends a certain message and the other parent gives a conflicting one. Understanding and working through differences will help to avoid this and help you give clear messages to your child.
Marla is nine years old and wants to start shaving her legs, like the other girls at school. Her mother disagrees, telling her she is too young and could cut herself. She tells her that she didn’t start shaving her legs until she had left school. Marla goes to see her father and asks if she could have one of his razors to shave her legs. He gives her one without a second thought.
Incidents like this can cause conflict between parents, simply because they had not discussed the issue before it arose. If you are alert to such situations and consult each other before making decisions, one parent will not feel that their wishes or their authority is being undermined.
Often your own parents or in-laws have strong feelings about sexuality issues and about the messages that children should be given. These can be quite different and perhaps at odds with your own. It may also become an issue with neighbours and friends if you help each other out with childcare. Having clearly decided on the messages you want to give your child provides you with the strength and confidence necessary to respond with conviction to concerned friends and relatives. If your child attends daycare you can also ask about their policies on issues such as privacy, nudity and sex play.
Make-up
Connie would not allow her daughter Anna (9 years) to wear make-up. “You’re too young,” she said. Anna thought that Connie was living in the dark ages because all her friends wore make-up.
You may believe your daughter is too young to wear make-up, but if her peer group all wear it, she is likely to think her friends are doing the right thing. You need to consider this before making the decision to impose your own values. Often a compromise can be reached.
The messages young people receive about what are ‘desirable’ values are often inconsistent. Teachers, politicians, movie stars, music idols and religious groups all present different values and attitudes. Being unclear about what to believe and who is right can cause conflict and confusion for your child, especially when their parents’ views differ from the views of their friends. Some young people will adopt their friends values and make decisions based on peer pressure. Some will adopt their parents values, and other will have a mix of their parents and peers values.
Sometimes lip service can be paid to the ‘desirable’ values of parents but the young person’s behaviour contradicts these values. Many young people from age 9 or 10 say that they don’t talk to their parents about what they are doing because they know their parents wouldn’t approve. They would rather paint a rosy picture to keep the approval of their parents than to risk, in their eyes, losing their parents love. You can help avoid this situation with your own child by working to keep the communication channels open.
The importance of delaying sexual intercourse
Children are reaching sexual maturity earlier today than when you were a child. Boys and girls are physiologically capable of sexual activity before they are ready emotionally. Give your child a clear message that sexual intercourse is an adults-only activity and they are far too young to experience sex. Between the ages of 10 and 12 some children experiment with sexual intercourse and oral sex. It tends to be a purely physical activity and often occurs in groups. The boys “see if it will fit”. They take turns with the others watching. Sometimes it is a result of a dare, part of a game or they are bullied into it. They risk pregnancy, infections, and feeling bad about themselves. Parents are shocked when they learn their child is involved in such activity and the situation needs to be handled sensitively. The child may feel guilty and blame themselves for ending up in this situation.
Young people who start having sex before they are 16 years old often say they should have waited longer. They say their early sexual experiences have often been negative and they were under pressure at the time, leaving them confused and feeling bad about themselves. When a person’s self-esteem is shaken they are less able to make healthy decisions.
Young people need to have the confidence to enjoy early sexual feelings without going on to have sexual intercourse. Your parenting will help to build self exteem and good communication about sexuality will give them confidence to stand up for themselves. Talking to your child about friendships, sex and relationships is an important part of parenting. Talk about the basics of contraception, safer sex, signs of pregnancy, pregnancy options and the local health services available to young people. It is better to give children information before they become sexually active. Encourage them to think about the decisions they will need to make in the future. Research shows that young people who have had the opportunity to learn about these issues are more likely to delay sexual intercourse.
Delaying intercourse will allow them to enjoy early sexual experiences such as kissing, touching and getting to know each other before making the decision to have sex. If they wait until they feel ready to take this step they are more likely to practise safer sex. Family Planning organisations and government agencies have pamphlets and websites with information that will update you on these topics.
Sexuality education at school will also help them gain this confidence. Ask your school about the sexuality education they provide and what you can do to support it. Becoming involved in improving sexuality education at school or helping develop youth friendly services in the community is a great way to help all children.
Differences in maturity
Marea had a 9-year-old son, Jeff, who was very small for his age. The difference in physical maturity between Jeff and his friend Todd, also 9, was remarkable. Jeff looked like a child; Todd had the build of a young man. The school informed parents that their health program would be teaching about the changes at puberty. Marea could see that this was appropriate for Todd but was concerned her son would not be ready for it because it was obviously going to be some time before he reached puberty.
Children who are at Todd’s level of maturity will find the puberty information in their sexuality education classes relevant. While it may not be relevant to Jeff at this time it will be reintroduced in later classes and he will benefit from it then. Participating in the earlier lessons will not disadvantage Jeff and he can build on this introduction next time.
Keeping safe
You want to keep your child safe in many potentially risky situations. Teaching your toddler the rules of road safety, not to step off the bus or train until it has stopped, and care with electrical appliances are examples. Other risks to their safety are bullying, sexual harassment and sexual abuse.
Zara (9 years) had been quiet and moody for a few weeks and I couldn’t find out what was wrong.I put it down to the fact her periods had started and she was going through a moody phase. Then one morning she burst into tears saying the boys at school had been teasing her about the size of her breasts and snapping her bra.
-Marguarite, mother of four
The boys at school were verbally and physically harassing Zara. Sexual harassment can happen at any school and at any age. Pushing, shoving, unwanted touching and fondling are common and children learn that harassment happens despite the school policies and rules that may be in place. There are children and adults who will disregard your child’s personal boundaries. Sexual harassment can be spoken, written or physical, for example wolf-whistling, making obscene gestures, writing notes, texting, standing too close or unwanted touching. Tell your child they have a right to have their personal space respected, and they can get help to stop harassment. When you are talking about family rules and respecting people’s boundaries, suggest ways to respond to people who harass them.
Confidentiality
Kelly (11 years) told her mother Catherine she was worried that one of her breasts was getting bigger than the other. Catherine brought up the subject with some of her women friends at work during morning coffee, and she was relieved to hear that a number of them had the same experience during puberty. When Catherine told Kelly this later, she was surprised that Kelly was upset that she had discussed her concern with others.
Young people can feel that their trust has been betrayed when their parents talk about them to their friends. It is good to share things with friends but your child needs to realise that just as they share things with each other, parents need to too. You could agree not to share without your child’s permission. It is important for you to get the support you need.
Body image
Some young people feel unattractive and worry that they can’t make friends easily. They may start blaming all the bits of their body that don’t look right, thinking that if they change their appearance everyone will like them.
No one likes me. I am fat and have huge ugly stretch marks on my breasts and hips and stomach. My body is so ugly that I could never ever show anyone. I will never be able to get married. I feel like a bloated cow. Someone called me that once. Is there anything I can do? Please help me.
- Sandra, 12 years, in a letter to a sexuality educator
This 12-year-old is feeling depressed about what has happened to her body. The number of children who are obese is increasing. The most common cause of obesity is diet related rather than due to a medical condition. Promoting a good diet and encouraging regular exercise will help prevent excessive weight gain. If your child is not interested in organised sport, suggest walking to school or swimming. At this age obese children are often teased by classmates and they may develop poor self esteem. They need your ongoing support to help them cope with their condition. The best thing you can do for an overweight child is to get professional advice early. Evidence shows that if intervention is provided early in the course of obesity, weight control is likely to be more successful.
Unwanted touching
Recognising unsafe situations
You want your child to be safe. You want to be able to protect them from danger. But the reality is you can’t always be there to protect them. Try not to dwell on possible traumatic events when talking to your child about keeping safe. Reassure them that they are unlikely to come into contact with people who would hurt them. Prepare them so that they know what to do if something bad happens. They can learn how to recognise an unsafe situation, learn how to stay in control and what to do to get out of danger.
One way to recognise an unsafe situation is to know the way the body responds when you are scared. Adrenalin is released and the heart beats faster, the blood is redirected to the muscles for action, breathing becomes rapid and you feel alert. When you are in danger the body has one or more ‘early warning signs’. For example, your knees feel like jelly, you may have an urge to urinate, palms feel sweaty or you get a feeling of butterflies in the stomach.
Teaching your child to recognise these signs means they can be alert to possible danger. Help them identify these signs by relating them to a scary but safe experience they have had recently. For example, a roller coaster ride or their first time on a water slide. Their physical responses to scary but exciting situations will be the same as scary but unsafe traumatic events.
What can they do when they sense danger?
When their early warning signs alert them something is wrong they need to take action. Tell them if someone is doing something that makes them feel scared they could move away, tell the person to stop or get someone to help them. Give them ideas such as yelling or doing something gross to distract the person. For example, spitting or pretending to vomit will give them time to get away. Tell them that these are only suggestions and they have your permission to do anything they can at the time.
Ella, 10 years, liked her cousin Mike coming to babysit. He let her stay up late and watch TV programs her mother wouldn’t let her watch. But one night he moved very close to her and put his arm along the back of the couch behind her. He said he could see she was growing up. He put his hand on her breast ‘to see how big she was getting’. She felt so scared that her throat went tight and dry. When she tried to tell him to stop no sound came out. She pushed him away, ran into her mother’s room and locked the door. Feeling safe she then used the phone beside the bed to ring the next door neighbour.
Ella had acted on her ‘early warning sign’. In this case her throat felt tight and dry. Her mother had talked to her about how her body felt when she was scared. Ella had said her throat had felt tight and dry when she had watched a scary movie. When Mike had touched her she recognised she was in danger and needed to do something. Ella had acted early and was safe.
Child sexual abuse is abhorrent. Unfortunately it is easy to pass on your horror and fear of it when talking to your child. Passing your feelings of fear and anxiety to them is not helpful. We can’t frighten children into feeling safe. The best way to protect your child from sexual abuse is to build their inner strength and self-confidence so that in the event of potential abuse they will not feel powerless and will know what to do.
Sexual behaviour between stepchildren
Sexual behaviour between stepchildren can be an issue when stepfamilies are formed and both new partners have children. Stepfamilies bring together children who are biologically unrelated. However in the new stepfamily all the children are deemed to be related by marriage, whether their parent and stepparent are legally married or not. The children are in fact now brothers and sisters. There is a risk of inappropriate sexual experimentation or activity between stepsiblings. Reasons for this are because they are biologically unrelated, or because they are not familiar with each other, or for a number of emotional and other factors.
There may be a situation where one child may try to do something hurtful or embarrassing to a step-sibling. They may do this in order to punish the new parent or even their own parent, especially if they are feeling left out and confused about the new relationship.
Step-siblings reaching the age of puberty may seek the love and affection from each other that they feel they have lost from their own parent. This can occur easily because they spend a lot of time together and they have a bond because they are going through a similar situation. They may be sexually attracted to each other and this could lead to sexual experimentation. Each child may seek to meet their own needs in what is a very complex situation. One child may be exploited by another. Because the behaviour started with mutual consent they may feel responsible for the situation. They can feel guilty that it is happening but are unable to stop it.
What can you do to help?
At any age a child may try to talk to their own parent about the issues and be rejected for a number of reasons. Some parents don’t want to hear that there are conflicts between the children and may feel it is up to the children to sort out their new relationships within the family. The parent may think their child is making up stories, is misinterpreting the situation, or trying to get a sibling into trouble.
If your child is appearing sad, withdrawn, or has had a major change in their behaviour and tries to tell you about a sexual situation, take it seriously. Show them that you are listening and that they are doing the right thing in talking to you. Tell them you won’t blame them for whatever is happening and that you will do something about it. Don't hesitate to seek professional advice.
Sex on TV
Your child may be interested in TV programmes that contain explicit sexual content. They are curious to know what sex is all about and it is natural for them to be very interested in the sexual exploits of their favourite TV characters. Not only sex but sexual messages are conveyed on many television programmes and commercials and increasingly in internet videos on social networking websites. Common sexual themes are sexual relationships, sex and gender roles, body image, and how people talk about sex.
By watching TV with your child you can use programmes to talk about sexuality issues and values. Using these opportunities will strengthen your communication with them. You can also set boundaries to limit television and internet viewing to appropriate programmes and sites. While you can use technology to block TV channels and internet sites at home, your child may see material you feel is inappropriate outside the home. If this happens your child is more likely to talk to you about it when you have established an open communication with them. You could explain that the sex and the relationships between characters in a TV show are very different than those in everyday life.
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