5-9 year-olds
Learning about gender
Why do boys have a penis? Why do girls have a vagina?
By the age of six or seven your child knows that they are either a girl or a boy and that this will not change. They are now very aware of the differences between the sexes and ask questions about them. If your child doesn’t have the opportunity to learn about the differences between male and female at this age they may become obsessively curious at a later time. So you have work to do. By the time they go to school they need to know what the acceptable words are for the sexual parts of the body, and what the acceptable sexual words are within the family. They also need to know the language others could use. Your child is at risk of being teased by others if they use words they don’t understand and make silly mistakes.
Tracey, 5 years, was being teased at school by the boys chanting, “Tracey’s got a vagina, Tracey’s got a vagina.” She indignantly told them that she didn’t have a vagina. Later in front of the class she told her male teacher that the boys kept saying she had a vagina even when she told them she hadn’t. Although the teacher handled the situation very well Tracey was embarrassed that she hadn’t known what the boys had been talking about.
Touching the genitals
Fay shared this story about her son at a parent evening:
John had developed a habit of holding onto his penis when he was anxious as a young child and continued to do it occasionally during his junior school years. He seemed unaware of the behaviour. Jane found it embarrassing and hoped he would stop but didn’t say anything to him about it.
When John was nine years old he had written a prize-winning speech and was asked to repeat the speech at the end of year prize giving. Standing up in front of the assembly of children and parents he gave his speech, with one hand firmly holding his penis. Jane felt so embarrassed for him as she heard the whispering and sniggering from his schoolmates. Now she wishes she had helped him by bringing it to his attention when it first occurred.
If your child is often touching or holding their genitals at age 6 or 7 it is probably because something is worrying them. Try to work out what the problem is. Telling a child who is masturbating for comfort or merely holding themselves for comfort not to do so is likely to make them more anxious. Try saying, “I can see you are feeling worried about something, come and I’ll give you hug.”
When a 4-year-old is under stress it is common for them to hold their genitals and to have the urge to relieve themselves. It may have become a habit by the time they start school. You can discourage this by quietly raising their awareness when it occurs so that the behaviour doesn’t persist.
Bedwetting
All children wet their beds occasionally. Bedwetting is defined as a problem when it occurs more than one night a month. It is very common, occurring in 10% of 6-year-olds and 3% of 12-year-olds. A small bladder capacity, deep sleeping or a number of medical reasons may cause bedwetting. It is more commonly a problem for boys and often runs in families. It can be very helpful for a child to know if it was also a problem for one of their parents. They will know their parents understand how they are feeling.
Staying overnight with a friend or going on a school camp can cause extra anxiety for these children. The problem may cause considerable tension within families and embarrassment for the child. Even the most understanding parents can become frustrated and angry with repeated accidents and need extra support. If the problem persists until the child is 7 years old, behavior management techniques or medication can be helpful. In this case the first step is to talk to a health professional.
How does a baby come out Mum? How does the baby get in?
Do these questions throw you? Don’t let them. They are asked out of curiosity. Your child is interested in the facts of pregnancy and birth, they are not asking about sexual feelings. Most 6 and 7-year-olds imagine babies are somehow manufactured by adults, like supermarket items. However they do seem to realise that both sexes are required.
My friend says a man puts his penis in a lady’s vagina……but it’s not true really.
-Darryn, 7 years
Darryn is not sure who or what to believe. Children hear about sexual intercourse and talk about it among themselves. They often use sex words they have heard from their friends but they may not know what the words mean. This is the beginning of sex talk and joking about sex with peers. They are old enough to understand sexual intercourse if you explain it to them when the opportunity arises.
If your child asks the question, “How are babies made?” a simple answer is to explain in your own words that when a man and a woman are loving each other in a special way the man puts his penis in the woman’s vagina. Some fluid comes out of the penis with sperm in it. The sperm look for an egg cell inside the woman. If they meet a new baby starts to grow.
They may go on to ask questions about how they will be boys or girls, ask when they are getting a baby sister and are often fascinated by anything unusual, such as Siamese twins. Don’t be surprised if children think sexual activity sounds either ridiculous or disgusting. When a boy saw a couple kissing passionately on a park bench he asked what they were doing. He was told they were kissing and he said, “Yuk, I’m never going to do that!” He has plenty of time to change his mind.
Wet dreams
Simon (6 years) asked his mother what a wet dream was. His mother asked him what he had heard about wet dreams and he said, “A wet dream is when something spooky and scary sneaks in to your bed on a dark night”.
Where could Simon have picked up this notion? He has been listening to others and has ‘put two and two together’ and this is his spooky conclusion. Children see sexual behaviour in one way or another through television, videos and magazines. They read, see and hear about what it means to be a man or a woman, and how men and women behave. They often end up with misunderstandings. Sometimes they see pictures of sexual violence and other sexual activity that they are not old enough to understand. Your child is influenced by these images. Keep in touch with what they are watching on TV and talk about issues as they arise. You will be more likely to clarify something that your child may have found confusing or disturbing at the time it occurs rather than trying to piece it together later.
Early development
In some children the first changes of puberty begin as early as age 7 or 8. Look out for the early changes leading up to puberty. Here is a story of an early developer:
Carol, 8 years old, complained that she didn’t want to go swimming at school because she had to get changed into her swimsuit in front of the other girls. Her father Sam stated strongly that she shouldn’t be ashamed of her body and that she was being ridiculous. He didn’t realise that she had started to develop breasts and pubic hair, and was feeling uncomfortable because her friends hadn’t.
For Sam nudity among people of the same sex is natural and he thought Carol shouldn’t be ashamed of her body. He didn’t know Carol had already started to develop breasts. It would have been more helpful if Sam had listened to Carol and found out why she was embarrassed. Girls can be very self-consciousness at this time, and need reassurance that they are developing normally. If he had known he could have reassured her that other girls would be starting to develop soon, and she could be proud that she was one of the first. More
Finding questions about sex embarrassing?
I was doing the dishes with my seven-year-old grandson when he asked me what a boner was. I nearly dropped the plate. It flashed through my mind to tell him to wait until his mother came home, or not to be rude, or pretend that I didn’t hear him. I managed to say, ‘It’s when your penis gets hard.’ ‘Oh’, he said and started chatting about something else.
-Joanna, who was caring for her grandson
You may feel uncomfortable talking about sex with your child. Maybe you are uncertain how best to approach the topic. Discussing the subject comfortably need not be difficult. Knowledge of the basic facts of sexuality helps, but is less important than beginning open and positive communication at an early age. By showing a positive attitude toward sex and sexuality you will help your child feel more positive and confident.
Why do parents find talking about sexuality with their children so difficult? There are two main reasons. First, because sexuality is so personal. Most of us have grown up learning that our sexuality is a private matter, and this attitude persists when we come to talk to our own children.
Second, adults often have a view of sexuality that is associated with the physical side of sex. If we as parents project this adult view of sexuality onto children, we feel a dilemma.
It’s all very well to talk about adults having sexual feelings, but children don’t have sexual feelings do they?
-Ray, father of 2 girls
Like Ray, you may overlook the fact that all children, even as babies, are sexual beings. You may feel that if you acknowledge to your child that they have sexual sensations, then they may want to act on this in an adult way. You may think it inappropriate for innocent young children to be told about sex. If this is the case, your child will hear the message that sex is secret, that adults do not discuss it openly, if at all, when children are around.
One way to have a more relaxed approach is to decide in advance just what messages about sexuality you want to give your child and then to practice responding to anticipated questions and behaviour. By thinking ahead and taking the time to consider the underlying message that you are giving, you will find that your response is easier to make, and that it represents what you want to say.
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