3-5 year-olds
Naming parts of the body
Ben, a 7-year-old, was asked by his teacher how he could tell the difference between a girl and a boy. He replied, “A boy’s got something sticking out like a hose”.
Ben wasn’t sure what words to use. He used words like ‘willy’ or ‘diddle’ at home but didn’t know what to say to his teacher at school. Children use language they are familiar with and if they haven’t learnt the language that is commonly used they are confused. Learning to name the parts of the body is something most children do before they go to school. They need to know that it is acceptable to use words like penis and vulva or they may arrive at school with the belief that the correct words are dirty, rude or naughty. This creates a difficulty for teachers and parents when talking to children if they believe the correct words are offensive or forbidden. In the classroom the children may worry they will say the wrong thing.
Some people feel uncomfortable using the proper words for the sexual parts of the body. It is easier if you start using the anatomical words when your child is very young. There is nothing wrong with using other language at home, so don’t be anxious if you don’t want to use the correct terms. However if you do use baby names such as ‘willy’ for penis, your child still needs to know the anatomical names for all their body parts before they go to school. Pre-schoolers may be fascinated by a particular body part such as the navel and want to check if everyone else has one. You can show your pre-schooler picture books about their bodies and talk about how they work.
In the bathroom
When I was 5 years old I knew my brothers could stand to urinate so I decided to try myself. I tried to direct the stream into the toilet but it seemed to go everywhere. My mother accused my older brothers of the mess with such venom that I was too frightened to own up to it. My brothers were in trouble bigtime. We laughed about it later though.
-Stormee, young mother
Pre-schoolers are usually not modest about their bodies and like being naked. However children who observe adults being modest may start demanding privacy when dressing or using the bathroom. This behaviour is often inconsistent, as it is more about modelling adult behaviour than modesty. They become very interested in bathroom words and in what other people do in bathrooms and toilets. They are curious about the different positions men and women take when they use the toilet and will talk about it. For example, “Why do boys stand to pee?” Most girls will try to stand at least once when urinating.
Sex play
William and Stacey had both recently turned 3 and were from different families. They lived in the same household and were always playing together. Stacey’s mother Cherry walked into the bedroom to find William lying naked on the bed. Stacey was rubbing talcum powder all over his body. William was loving it and lay there with an erection. Cherry left them playing, feeling comfortable they were both enjoying themselves and that it was harmless play. 5 minutes later they were both busy playing outside.
Pre-schoolers start to become curious about the sexual differences between boys and girls, and compare themselves with others. They explore their bodies including their sexual parts. They learn by looking at each other, by touching and by playing games such as ‘doctors and nurses’ or mimicking adult sexual behaviour. Children’s interest in sex and sex play does not take over their whole playtime and is just one of many things they want to explore.
Is your child’s sex play normal? Parents often ask this. What is normal sexually oriented behaviour in 3 - 5 year-olds? A study found that children enjoyed being naked, and masturbated openly at age three, but less so by age five7. They found children’s sex play, such as touching each other’s genitals, involved curiosity rather than sexual awareness. Pre-schoolers are curious about their bodies and enjoy being touched. Young children love sensuality and seek physical experiences. Through play they learn lessons they will need to fully experience their sexuality as adults. Their play is characterised by excitement, sensuality, spontaneity and openness. It is easy for parents to forget that their child’s sex play is very different from adult sexual activity, which is characterised by passion, eroticism and privacy.
As long as there is no physical danger, there is no need for parents to worry about sex play if the children are about the same age and size, and if the children are not being made to do something they don’t want to do. When children are of a similar age and size it is less likely that one child will persuade the other to do something they are uncomfortable with. Most sex play is between children who are friends or siblings.
David shared this story at a parent’s workshop:
I have three sons aged 4 to 7 who have lots of fun together. But they have a new game in the evening after their bath. They use the bed as a trampoline, jumping and rolling about naked. That’s okay but they get very excited and have started grabbing each other’s genitals. I’m wondering if I should stop them.
-David, father of three sons
After talking about the game with the other parents he decided the game could be unsafe and he would talk to his sons. The messages he wanted to give them was that their genitals were sensitive and easily hurt and they needed to be more careful in their play.
When children are found playing sex games they are often embarrassed, especially if they learn their parents do not approve. If they are asked to stop and play something else they will, at least while adults are present. They usually enjoy these games just as they do other games but they won’t be particularly upset by changing activities.
If you find children playing sex games and you are not sure how to react, take a deep breath and think first. Many things children find confusing or frightening are caused by the way parents react. If you show dismay or indicate your child’s behaviour is dangerous they may become concerned that something bad will happen to them. If they aren’t worried or upset about the game, treat it in a low-key manner and redirect them if you think it is necessary. Think about the message you want to get across to your child. This message will be important in their developing understanding of sex and sexuality.
The message might be that it is okay to be curious about others but that the sexual parts of their own and others’ bodies are private. You could say:
I see you are playing a game about your bodies. You can learn by looking at each other but remember that this part of your body is private. You can also learn by looking at books. Let’s go and look at some books together.
Setting clear boundaries in a non-judgemental way will guide your child away from unsafe activities. For example, you may need to be clear that it isn’t safe to push anything into the vagina (a common experiment during water play).
How are babies made?
A three-year-old cannot grasp the concept that babies are made or that time existed before they were born. They think that babies simply exist. They don’t usually understand or ask about sexual intercourse. However in the next few years they will develop some idea that babies are made by parents. They want to know where babies come from, how babies get into a mother’s body and how they get out. If they ask how babies are made they need a simple answer. It is usually enough to say that the baby is made when the father puts a special seed into the mother’s womb where it joins up with a tiny soft egg.
Your child will relate the terms you use to what they know. If you talk about a seed growing in Mummy’s tummy they may imagine a plant growing in soil in her stomach. If you talk about eggs they usually think of a hen’s egg, which has a brittle shell. If you notice your child is confused think about the words you have used. Asking them to tell you what they think will give you the chance to clear up any misunderstandings.
They may ask, “Did I grow in Mummy’s tummy?” and “How did I get out?”. Try to answer in simple language but use the correct words. “A special place in Mummy’s tummy called the womb” or “When you were ready to be born the womb helped to push you through a stretchy opening called the vagina between Mummy’s legs”.
Both boys and girls have questions about their bodies. It is important to teach both boys and girls about the anatomy of both sexes and to explain that there’s a special reason why their bodies are different.
Discovered during sex
A group of women were sharing stories about their children and one mentioned that her four-year-old had charged into their bedroom while they were making love. “Thank God that’s never happened to us!” said her friend.
Many parents agree. Why are they anxious? Apart from the embarrassment they are often concerned that their child will lose their innocence about sex. But children at this age only have a limited understanding of sex in spite of what they have seen you doing. In their eyes you are playing games or having fun together. In some cases they may think you are fighting or even hurting each other.
Gemma could hear her parents making noises and when she went to investigate could see her mother was getting squashed underneath her father. She tried to push him off saying, “Get off Mummy, you are hurting her”.
Gemma’s mother can give her reassurance that she isn’t hurt and that they are having fun together. Respond to your child’s presence in a natural way and they will not be concerned by what they have seen. You can either put your own needs on hold for awhile or think of something more interesting for Gemma to do in another room.
Masturbation
How shoudl you deal with your 4-year-old son if he is constantly holding or rubbing his penis? The message you want to give him is that it is okay for him to play with his penis but it is something he should do in private. Tell him,
Rubbing your penis is something you do in private, so you can do that in your bedroom, which is a private place. You don’t do that in front of other people.
This will let him know that there’s nothing wrong with what he’s doing, but that it will embarrass other people if he does it when they’re around. If you are anxious about talking with your child about sensitive subjects, rehearse the words and the subject matter beforehand.
Listen to your child
I happened to be passing the kid’s bedroom when I overheard my 4-year-old James saying to his friend who had come over to play, “Give me a blowjob.” I couldn’t believe my ears. After listening and watching them for a while I realised they didn’t know what it meant.
What would you do if your son said that? Before you say anything to your son, think. Children use sexual words in ways that make it seem they know more than they really do. A preschooler who says, “give me a blowjob” may just be repeating a phrase heard from adolescent brothers or sisters, with no understanding of the meaningof the words. If you respond negatively to this because you think he is being rude, your son will be confused because he does not understand the meaning of what he has said. Incidents like this can be a block to developing good communication. If it occurs regularly your child may become wary of speaking openly with you for fear of your reaction.
Listening and observing is more important than responding immediately. Delaying your response will give you time to think about what to say. If you overhear your 4-year-old James saying, “Give me a blowjob” to another child, neither of them is likely to know what it means. James is probably trying to sound clever, knowing his friend won’t know what it means either. You could say, “Don’t talk like that to your friend. I don’t want to hear you use those words”. You haven’t had to explain what blowjob means but you have given a clear message that you don’t want your child to use the term.
5-year-old daughter preoccupied with sex stars
"My 5-year-old daughter stole a swimsuit calendar and kept hold of a number of these pictures for some length of time before I discovered them. She seems to be preoccupied with not only them, but also women in Baywatch, Hooters, etc. She talks about wanting to visit Hooters so she can see the girls. She begged my (oblivious) husband into buying a Baywatch video, claiming that she was interested in lifeguarding. I look at the way she is and the way I was, and I just don't know what to think. I was never like this, and don't know anybody who was. I'm stuck between trying to explain "too much" to her, and not knowing if this is just a healthy curiosity. "
Don't be too concerned. It is normal for 5 year olds to be absorbed in one type of play. Typically their play may be about dinosaurs, playing with dolls, dressing up or drawing. In your daughter's case, she is fascinated by these TV stars. Perhaps you could redirect her interest in something related such as fashion, steering her interest from the model's bodies and behaviour to the clothing they wear. She could start a scrapbook of fashion and you could help her find pictures in magazines that you have chosen for her. Reinforce interest she shows in other activities and ensure she has enough opportunities to play with other 5-year-olds.
Try not to let this issue create tension in your relationship with her and remember she is only five. She is looking at things from a child's perspective. Talk about it with your husband so you take a consistent approach and so she doesn't try to manipulate both of you to get what she wants. Remember you are her parents, you make the rules, and you are the ones to set the boundaries. Tell her you love her and point out all the positive qualities you see in her. If she stubbornly refuses to cooperate use her interest to your advantage. For example after she goes to 3-4 swimming lessons or goes swimming with you on three occasions she could have a treat to watch Baywatch. You will be reinforcing more appropriate behaviour.
Breastfeeding
With a new baby in the family older children can feel left out and jealous of the attention the baby is getting. This is most apparent while a mother breastfeeds her baby. Older children may ask to breastfeed too, either to have the same intimacy with their mother, or merely to see what it feels like. Many mothers do not feel comfortable allowing this to happen. Their older child is well able to feed themselves and there is now an unstated rule that the mother's breast is private. A mother could say this to their older child but give them lots of cuddling and attention, say why they are special, and point out all the skills they have that the baby hasn't learnt yet.
Sex play between stepchildren
Sexual behaviour between stepchildren can be an issue when stepfamilies are formed and both new partners have children. Stepfamilies bring together children who are biologically unrelated. However in the new stepfamily all the children are deemed to be related by marriage, whether their parent and stepparent are legally married or not. The children are in fact now brothers and sisters. There is a risk of inappropriate sexual experimentation or activity between stepsiblings. Reasons for this are because they are biologically unrelated, or because they are not familiar with each other, or for a number of emotional and other factors.
It is natural for young children to explore each other’s sexual differences in the playful, curious way. However a stepparent may feel more anxious if they weren’t aware of their child exploring in this way before the new family formed and may feel they are doing something unnatural or harmful. Alternatively they may be in a situation where their new partner accuses their children of aberrant behaviour, after observing sex play between the children. Both parents need to decide whether this is within the range of normal behaviours. Sex play is not usually a problem if all the children are happy and are not being secretive.
There may be a situation where one child may try to do something hurtful or embarrassing to a step-sibling. They may do this in order to punish the new parent or even their own parent, especially if they are feeling left out and confused about the new relationship.
What can you do to help?
At any age a child may try to talk to their own parent about the issues and be rejected for a number of reasons. Some parents don’t want to hear that there are conflicts between the children and may feel it is up to the children to sort out their new relationships within the family. The parent may think their child is making up stories, is misinterpreting the situation, or trying to get a sibling into trouble.
If your child is appearing sad, withdrawn, or has had a major change in their behaviour and tries to tell you about a sexual situation, take it seriously. Show them that you are listening and that they are doing the right thing in talking to you. Tell them you won’t blame them for whatever is happening and that you will do something about it. Don't hesitate to seek professional advice.
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