Families
Toddlers
I was an orphan and went to a convent school. We had almost no sex education, and the nuns were incredibly modest. When I had my first child I was still ignorant of most of the correct words for the private parts, and had only a basic understanding of reproduction. I decided I would not let that happen to my children.
-Theresa, mother of four
When should you start talking to your child about sexuality? Start talking to your baby, using the ‘proper’ words for penis or vulva and vagina, when they are only a few weeks old. Use the words just as you would when talking to them about other parts of their body. Of course at this age your baby won’t understand the words. However, talking to your baby using the ‘proper’ language is a useful rehearsal for later conversations. This is especially helpful for parents who are not comfortable using these terms for the genitals. Doing this will build confidence in your ability to talk about sexuality and you will be ready when your child is able to understand.
From the time your child is a toddler, opportunities to have talks about sexuality will arise naturally. Your child’s curiosity can be used as a cue to provide information. For instance, when they comment about a pregnant woman, a sexual joke, or nudity, you can use this to open a conversation while they are interested. At these times they are more likely to talk and share their ideas, and listen to your ideas. So don’t let these opportunities slip by – use them in preference to approaching the topic cold.
Ideally by the age of 8 years you will have talked with your child about the changes puberty has ahead for them. This is especially important if they are an early developer and are entering puberty prematurely. If your child does not ask specific questions by age 7 or 8, open it up for them. Start by wondering out loud what you think they want to ask. Then wait. Rather than answering your question yourself, give them plenty of time to put it into their own words, to talk, to wonder, to think, and ask their own questions.
Differences in values
Within a family, parents may differ in some of their values, such as whether it is acceptable to be naked in front of the children, whether masturbation is normal, and in attitudes toward homosexuality. The following stories highlight some of the issues.
Brian enjoyed swimming naked in the family pool, which could not be seen by the neighbours. His wife, Jenny, objected to him doing this when their children were school age. Jenny and Brian talked about it many times, often in front of the children. Brian continued to do it, arguing that it was a perfectly natural thing to do. It was a worry to Jenny every summer for years, until Brian stopped when their daughter turned twelve.
Margaret (a European New Zealander) asked her daughter Puti (11 years) why she hadn’t washed her hair when she had a shower. Puti said her Nanny (her Maori grandmother) had told her she should never wash her hair while she had her mate (period). Margaret thought that was ridiculous. “What’s this stupid thing Nanny is telling you Puti? What right has she to tell my daughter this sort of rubbish?”
Tammy found one of the difficulties in her marriage with Hone was the way his whanau (family) treated their place as their own. Uncles, cousins and people she didn’t even know would turn up for a meal unexpectedly, borrow their tools and never return them, or just hang out drinking their beer. But what really irritated her was how they assumed it was okay to call in and take her children to the river or out visiting without asking her or Hone.
The children in these stories are receiving different messages about values from their parents, grandparents or other relatives. The last two stories highlight value differences within families when parents come from different cultural backgrounds. There can be many differences in values between parents, including:
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The values, attitudes and beliefs about family, health, education, discipline and honesty.
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The way sexuality is expressed. For example, whether it continues to be appropriate to hug your son when he has reached puberty.
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The parents’ experience of different role models (especially their own mother and father).
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The traditions, rituals and behaviours that are part of the parents’ culture. Usually these have been handed down through many generations.
These differences can cause confusion for children if it involves conflict between parents about who is right or wrong. For example:
Don’t listen to your Dad he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
How can you avoid confusing your child with conflicting messages? How can you positively influence the values of your child and help them to decide for themselves what their personal values will be?
Clarify your values
Firstly, you need to be aware of how you as parents feel about different issues, by either discussing them with each other or with other adults. How do you feel about children exploring their sexual differences, teenage pregnancy, pornography or abortion? Do you think it’s okay for your young son to wear a dress and lipstick when playing with the dress-up clothes at his pre-school? Do you think that it’s okay for young children to run and play naked through the garden sprinkler outside on a hot day?
You may discover you are ambivalent or unclear about what you think is best for your child. Feeling uncomfortable is a sign that one of your strong values may be involved. You can check this by asking yourself if you are using words like ‘should’, ‘must’, ‘never’ or ‘always’. These words are used to express deeply held values.
What if parents have different values? What can you do? Remember you or your partner may be unaware you are defending a strong value when you respond emotionally to a remark or behaviour. Accept that you do have differences and acknowledge the other’s feelings. If you recognise that one or both of you are agitated, say something like:
We both seem to be getting upset, this must be something important.
This shows acceptance and is likely to help. Acknowledging each other’s feelings will help calm things down. Now talk it over, respecting each other’s values. Talking it over will help you consider each other’s perspective. If in the end you don’t agree, this is not going to be a problem for your child. It is healthy for children to grow up in an environment where different values are expressed, as long as there is acceptance and respect of the differences.
Values, attitudes and family dynamics
David and Louise were very happy with the birth of Ben, their first child. Ben seemed to give them a common bond that made them feel more like a family. After a few weeks it became clear that David and Louise had different ideas about parenting. David wanted Ben to be circumcised but Louise did not agree. David also wanted Louise to breastfeed Ben but after a few weeks Louise put him on the bottle.
David enjoyed feeding Ben in their bed when he woke at night, and wanted to let Ben stay in the bed and sleep as he cuddled him after his feed. However Louise insisted he put Ben back in his bassinette. David began to feel that he wasn’t having any say in family decisions. He decided to do other things for himself outside the family.
When a couple have their first child the family dynamics change. The new parents may need to work through some of their values and attitudes to accommodate the baby. There are two important influences present in every family with two adults and one or more children: a ‘togetherness tendency’ that draws family members together; and the need for individuality or separateness of each family member. The challenge is to maintain a balance between the two influences.
Family togetherness
Family members tend to be drawn together. Part of this tendency is instinctive and is associated with early experiences of closeness and bonding to parents and family. We remember the feeling of security that this gave when we were young, it is something we value, and seek to provide as parents in our own families. This shared value acts as a bond between family members.
The other aspect of family life that binds members together is their shared emotional experience. This is the result of the emotions that family members experience in their relationships with each other. Over time these become habitual (learned) emotional responses, and may range from very pleasant to very unpleasant. Whether the emotional experience is positive or not, these emotions become automatic, and their familiarity helps bind people together.
Individuality
The tendency for family togetherness exists alongside the need for individuality. Family members are very different from each other. They may not be aware of many of the differences, especially at the beginning of a marriage or partnership. When two people enter a relationship they are usually inclined to think they are similar, and of course this is often why they are attracted to each other in the first place. However some of the differences between partners can mean they will have different ideas about parenting, including what sexuality values they would like their children to adopt, and on how to communicate these values to their children.
In David and Louise’s case, the differences over Ben led David to do more on his own, outside the family. He needed to have time out for himself. It was his way of trying to achieve a balance between his need for individuality and the need for family togetherness. He also had a need to feel that Louise valued his parenting views. Doing things individually is good for each parent’s personal growth and while it develops individuality it needs to be balanced with doing things with the family. This will avoid developing isolation, which causes problems in a relationship.
Your child’s need for individuality
Your child needs to maintain or achieve a sense of being a separate person. This begins to develop at an early age, as a two-year-olds tantrum demonstrates. A two-year-old will stand and demand, perform and cry, trying to get his or her own way. If you are always putting pressure on your child to be as you want them to be, they often rebel. A common reaction to you ‘laying down the law’ is that they will deliberately rebel to oppose your authority.
Sarah (9 years) said her mother told her she should always wash her hair once a week or it would fall out. So she didn’t wash it for a month to see if her mother was right.
This kind of rebellion in children can be positive and healthy, although Sarah’s example isn’t very hygienic. The positive outcomes include the ability to think and speak for themselves, to respect the individuality of others and not try to make others conform to their own opinions or values.
The greater the pressures are for a family member to conform to the values or behaviours of other family members, the more likely it is that the person will resist and fight to be different.
Trevor used many swear words in conversation. His wife and his in-laws constantly asked him not to swear in front of the children. The more they nagged, the more he swore. It was a vicious cycle.
Each of us is unique. We have genetic differences, different lessons learned from our families and communities, and different ways of coping with life. Your child is developing their own unique qualities, and you can help them by creating an emotionally healthy climate. As you clarify your values, and develop your communication and listening skills, you can model the behaviour you would like to see in your son or daughter.
Conflicting family rules
I find it really hard when Kimberly comes back after being with her Dad because we have different rules to him. When she is here I expect her to help with the jobs and it’s like we have to go over it each time she comes back.
-Carolyn, who shares parenting week about with her ex-husband
My ex-wife found that I sometimes had my girlfriend staying overnight on the weekends when I had my kids to stay. She thought that it would somehow harm the children. I reckon it’s fine, after all I’m an adult and there’s nothing wrong with being in a relationship. But I can’t convince my ex-wife, and she is refusing to let the kids stay overnight now. I know that she tells the kids that I’m sleeping around. It’s not like that and it’s none of her business anyway.
-Finn, father of three
If your child spends time with parents in two separate households they will be faced with different and sometimes conflicting rules and values, different expectations and standards of behaviour.3 If both parents accept that each household is different and understand that the transition from one to the other won’t be easy for the child, the child will adjust more readily.
Single parents
Jed had had several girlfriends since he left his wife Linda. He had custody of the children. He always talked about his relationships with his children and made it clear that if he met someone he thought he wanted to have a long-term relationship with he would talk to them before making any decisions. The children seemed to accept his girlfriends and did not hesitate to give Jed their opinions of them.
We are all very sexual beings. The need for intimacy for a single parent is no less than for parents in a two-parent family. However single parents are aware that a new relationship will have an affect on their child. The key to having your child feel comfortable about a new relationship is to feel comfortable in yourself. If you are happy, relaxed and honest about forming a new friendship your child will pick up those messages from you. If you feel guilty, worried and secretive about a new lover, your child will feel the same way.
Fathers and intimacy
Larry cared for his daughter Kate during the day, fitting his work on their farm around the time she was at kindergarten. Sometimes Kate asked her friend Vicky to come and play at her house. Larry became aware that Vicky’s mother was hesitating to agree to this. He sensed her anxiety about having them alone with him on the farm. He became fearful that if Vicky’s mother accused him of wrongdoing he would have no witnesses to support him. He made a decision not to have other children to play at home with Kate unless another adult was present.
Men like Larry who care for children alone may feel they need to be more cautious when their children’s friends come home to play. Larry decided to make sure other adults were present when Kate had her friends home to play. He could also have talked to Vicky’s mother about her fears. Larry is a great role model for Kate and her friends in his caring for the children and it would be beneficial for all of them if he continued. Talking about it to other men who are in a similar situation would also be helpful.
People have become increasingly aware of child abuse and many agencies are working together to identify and reduce the problem. Fathers need to be aware that there have been cases in which a father’s behaviour has been misinterpreted and false allegations of sexual abuse made. Unfortunately this possibility has caused some fathers to withdraw the intimacy they have previously enjoyed with their children. This in turn has a negative effect on the relationship between the father and his child. It also reinforces the male stereotype that men are not as competent as women in the nurturing and caring role for children. It is very important that you as a father continue to show affection to your child and take a positive role in the caring of your child.
Showing affection in stepfamilies
When Susan (3 years) found her mother June and new stepfather Sam cuddling and kissing in the kitchen, she stood quietly beside them and gently hit Sam on the leg with her fist, but didn’t say anything.
This was Susan’s way of showing her discomfort with this new relationship. Many young children have similar reactions, and are protective of their parent. It will take time (months or years) before they will be comfortable with the new sexual relationship their parent has entered into.
When a new stepfamily is formed it can be a confusing time for children. Young children are often not aware of their parent’s sexuality in their first-time family. Their parents have over time reduced or stopped kissing, cuddling and being intimate when the children are present. The parents may not have been intimate for some time. In the new stepfamily though, their parent and stepparent are often in the first flush of their new relationship. They touch and kiss each other openly and show more explicit sexual contact than the child can remember from the first-time family.
Have you seen a PDA recently? You probably have. PDA stands for Public Display of Affection, and is a military abbreviation. There are rules in the armed services such as No PDAs in the Mess. The reason for this rule is to prevent offence, embarrassment or jealousy amongst the troops. Similarly, your ‘troops’ may be embarrassed, or upset by their mother or father’s amorous behaviour with their new stepparent. Young children, like Susan above, may try to physically separate their parent and stepparent when they are hugging, or say things like, “Stop kissing him all the time Mummy”.
Keeping your child safe
There are many skills your child can learn from you to help them stay safe. Giving them these skills before they reach puberty is your responsibility. Even if your child’s school has a good program about keeping safe, don’t rely on the school to do it for you. Parents are the first and most important teachers, and your child needs to learn about keeping safe from you.
Try some of these suggestions:
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Teach them that the private parts of their body are special and that no one can look at or touch those parts without their permission.
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Help them identify at least one early warning sign. These are the first ways our bodies tell us that we are not feeling safe. They are physical sensations. Examples of early warning signs are: their legs feel like jelly, their throat feels tight and dry, their heart starts pounding or their stomach feels funny.
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Use fairytales to talk about early warning signs. For example you may be telling the story about ‘The three little pigs.’ You could ask “How does the little pig feel when the wolf is outside huffing and puffing and trying to blow the little pig’s house down? What are his early warning signs?”
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Help them identify people they know they can trust. They could be in the family, at their preschool or school, or in the community. These are the people to talk to if they are worried or in trouble.
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As your child goes through puberty they need to have other trusted adults they can talk to. At this age it becomes more difficult for a father to fill this role with his son. Make sure boys know other men care for them throughout their lives - an uncle, or coach, a male teacher, or a family friend.
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Find out what sexuality education your child’s school is providing and see what you can do to support it. Young people need to have the confidence to enjoy early sexual feelings without going on to have sexual intercourse. Sexuality education at puberty will help them do this.
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You could take action to support sexuality education at your school. You may also be in a position to develop policies that address sexuality issues.
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Don’t withdraw the natural affection and intimacy that you share with your child for fear of unfairly being accused of sexual abuse.
- Don’t expect your child to kiss, hug or sit on someone’s lap if they don’t want to.
Toddlers
Breastfeeding
Many mothers enjoy the intimacy of breast-feeding their babies. By the time their babies are toddlers they are usually weaned.However some of the behaviours learned during this time may persist as this story indicates.
When Averil was breast-feeding Katherine, Katherine would tuck her hand inside her mother’s blouse and onto her mother’s breast. At 12 months when Averil carried her in her arms Katherine would still do the same, and place her hand on her breast. It became a habit and occurred particularly when Katherine needed reassurance or felt unsure of a situation. It started to become embarrassing for Averil as Katherine grew older.
This was a difficult behaviour for Averil to change, and Katherine was not free of the habit until she was 2 and a half years old. Often we do not recognise that a behaviour has become a habit until it becomes a problem. We tell ourselves it’s a stage they are going through and it will pass. When should you start setting boundaries to stop a behaviour becoming a habit? The best time is when you first start wondering if it could be a problem. Talking about it with a friend will put it in perspective and help you decide what to do.
When Darryn was 3 years old he liked to lift up my top and stroke my pregnant tummy and press his cheek against it. After his little sister was born he still did it, and I thought it was harmless at first. But he continued to do it and I became increasingly uncomfortable. I tried to stop him but he kept trying to lift my top even when he was five.
-Cindy, mother of two
This behaviour may have been appropriate when Cindy was pregnant but it became an issue when it continued after the birth of her baby. Darryn was not respecting Cindy’s personal boundaries. If Cindy had set clear boundaries after the baby was born the problem would not have developed. Cindy could have said to Darryn, “Do you like feeling the skin on Mummy’s tummy? I didn’t mind you touching my tummy to feel the baby inside but now our baby is born I don’t want you to do it”. Setting boundaries is a balancing act though. Too many limits may cause anxiety or guilty feelings about sexuality and lead to your child avoiding talking about it with you.
Touching the genitals
Sarah wondered if Tina, her 3-year-old daughter, was normal when she noticed that whenever she watched television she would stimulate herself by riding on the arm of the armchair. After sharing this with a parent group several other parents said they had noticed their daughters doing the same thing and that they had stopped doing it by the time they started school. Sarah felt quite relieved.
By the age of one most children enjoy touching their genitals. There are a number of reasons why your toddler may do this. It can be a way of finding out about their body and because it feels good. Toddlers may touch their genitals because they want to go to the toilet. They may touch their genitals because it gives them a feeling of comfort when they are worried.
Some children masturbate often. Little girls may rub themselves with a soft toy or ride on the arm of an armchair or rocking horse. Occasionally toddlers have been observed to have what appear to be orgasms. However masturbation at this age is usually a sensual, relaxing, comforting activity and not involving the intensity of sexual arousal and orgasm.
Some little boys constantly hold on to their penis. If the behaviour is concerning you, try to find out why they are doing it. It could be that something is worrying them. Very young children won’t be able to tell you exactly what the problem is so you need to think about what could be the cause. It could be the new baby in the family, a parent going back to work or the scary dog next door. Work out how to help them feel better. Knowing you understand how they feel can be a great comfort to them. Alternatively it could be that they are rubbing themselves because they are itchy and may have eczema or an infection. It can simply be because they enjoy it and it has become a habit.
When you react to your toddler touching their genitals, think about the messages you want them to hear. You want them to know that their body is special but also private. By the time they are three years old they are able to learn that touching the sexual parts of their body is private, and not something people do in front of others.
Circumcision
Jane’s husband Bob, 40, was circumcised as a baby and had an expectation that his new son James would also have the operation. Bob was surprised when told by the doctor that the operation was no longer standard procedure and would not be performed at the unit where his son was born.
Circumcision is the complete or partial removal of the foreskin of the penis. The operation is usually performed a few days after birth. When your first son is born you may not have given much thought to a decision about circumcision. You may feel pressured into making a hasty decision. You may feel that you have little choice as circumcision is not a routine procedure in many hospitals.
In the operation the foreskin is cut to allow it to be pulled back behind the glans (head) of the penis. The foreskin consists of a double layer of skin that, without circumcision, covers the glans. Until recently in Western countries the operation has been widely practiced as a hygienic procedure. In many hospitals it has been routinely performed on newborn boys. It is estimated that circumcision occurs in about one sixth of the world’s population and is probably the oldest surgical operation, dating back some 6000 years to ancient Egypt. Overall, the medical value of circumcision may be highest in places or countries where poverty and disease make good standards of hygiene difficult.
Parents may request circumcision for religious reasons. For traditional Jewish and Muslim families, circumcision is a religious duty, usually done shortly after birth or sometimes in childhood. In other cultures circumcision is part of a ritual performed at puberty, representing the end of childhood and the beginning of manhood. Other reasons people ask for their boys to be circumcised are because they believe circumcision will prevent disease, reduce masturbation, reduce sexual desire, as a treatment for bed-wetting or is necessary because the foreskin is too long.
The operation is now performed in Australia, New Zealand and the United Kingdom only if it is in the interests of the child, not the parents. As in other areas of medicine the trend is to avoid unnecessary intervention. The main medical reason to circumcise is when the foreskin prevents the normal flow of urine.
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